Thursday, December 30, 2010

Week 11's five least valuable players

Glover Quin, DB, Houston Texans. There's good news and bad news for Glover Quin. The good news is that he's no longer solely known as the guy who attempted and failed to bat down the Jaguars' Hail Mary last week. The bad news is that he's now the guy who gave up last-second game-winning touchdown passes in consecutive weeks. Santonio Holmes did this yesterday. Quin is the guy feebly chasing him. Glover Quin is probably a lot more famous than he'd like to be right now. I am rooting hard for a Glover Quin comeback.

The rest of the Houston Texans defense. The Jets were 72 yards away, had less than a minute on the clock, no timeouts and needed a touchdown. No one's asking you to be the '85 Bears here, fellas. Just be something a little better than completely ineffectual, and you get to walk away with a road win over the Jets. That's it. That's all we needed. Too much to ask, I guess.

Vince Young, QB, Tennessee Titans. This spot was originally reserved for Rusty Smith, because Rusty Smith was atrocious in relief of Vince Young. But now, because Vince Young can't act like an adult, Rusty Smith has to start an NFL game. Rusty Smith! When Rusty Smith is in a game, it's bad news for all of us. I want so badly to like you, Vince Young. Why do you have to make it so damn hard? Rusty Smith. For shame.

Richard Seymour, DT, Oakland Raiders. I don't know what made Richard Seymour want to punch Ben Roethlisberger in the face, and I really don't care -- somewhere along the way, I'm sure Benjamin's done something to deserve a punch in the face, so I'm not losing any sleep over it. But Seymour, who's playing fantastic ball this year, was willing to take a 15-yard-penalty, earn what will certainly be a huge fine ($100,000 seems about right), and take himself out of a game ... because he wanted to punch a man who's wearing a helmet? You know those things have facemasks, right? If you wanted to beat up Robert Downey Jr., would you wait until he put on the Iron Man suit? Come on, my man, think it through.

Brett Favre, QB, Minnesota Vikings. The following is a complete list of quarterbacks who Brett Favre outperformed in Week 11, measured by quarterback rating: Brian St. Pierre, Bruce Gradkowski, Jason Campbell, Rusty Smith. That's it. And none of them got in an argument with their offensive coordinator. Stop, Brett. Just stop.

Cindy Crawford Mariah OBrien Uma Thurman Alice Dodd Kate Walsh

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